Peace, Love, and Rock and Roll

So the past apparently isn't quite the past yet. I'd like to say that I've managed things well but when I think about it more and more, i've come to realise that's not true. Over the past few months, with all the incidents accumulating, I've become somewhat bitter. Not only bitter, but afraid.

My childhood was at times, flat out horrible and things happened that I will never mention here. Like a lot of people, I was bullied at school. Sometimes it was so bad that I didn't want to go back ever again. Most of the time I felt as if there was no one I could talk to for fear of them telling me it was nothing to worry about, or for fear of them taking the other person's side. My word against theirs right? A few times I tried telling someone but they didnt believe me (they were non-school bully issues.. more likely brotherly issues..). So i've kept most of it inside so I dont think i've learned how to properly deal with my emotions and that leaves me where I am today.

Now I don't know if I am actually depressed or not, since I feel like staying away from doctors about these issues. There are moments where I am lashing out at people that are very dear to me for small little things they may or may not have done. I start to push them away and I can't stop myself from getting angry, or upset. Usually when I get angry I start to feel depressed, because I know when i'm dealing with a situation in a not-so-smart manner but no matter what I do... I cannot stop myself from reacting the way I do.

If you've read my very first posting in this blog you will see another situation that may have led to my current predicament. I have had a friend (aka- Cee) say that i 'flirt with every guy i see' and that I am a freeloader. The only way i would be considered a 'freeloader' is when she INVITED me over and then offered dinner. There was also a time I said that I didnt have money to chip in to get pizza, and one of my friends said dont worry about it. Now I didnt grow up with much money (and i still dont have a lot of money) but my friends are fairly rich. Cee always manages to find a way to flaunt it in people's faces, whether she does it on purpose or not i dont know...

As for the 'flirting with every guy i see' part... well... Like I said in my previous entry 'WHOOOA BUNDY!!' I am a quiet and shy person. Even what might seem like flirting probably isn't just because of my personality. Just because I like talking to a guy doesnt mean im flirting with them. Even she has friends that are guys. Maybe she was jealous or something... I dont want to know.

Anyways... the point of this entry was just to kinda bring to light my issues about dealing with emotional situations, and the things that might have caused them. Maybe someone who reads this could suggest something other than going to a counsellor or psychiatrist... lol

-Peace, love, and rock and roll.