So I am struggling. With emotions. With everything. It feels like I am drowning and that theres no way for me to reach the surface. The only spot of hope I can see is slipping away and its all my damn fault. No one elses.
This ain't the happy-go-lucky blog some people might prefer to follow and I dont care if you think im some shithead, piss drinking, emo child. If you dont like what I have to write don't bother reading. Its MY way of venting, and everything I write is 100% me.
Anyways... back on topic. So because of my very poor ability to deal with my emotions (sadness, anger, etc...) I may have pushed the one man I love away. Around November is when it started to get really bad. It was getting around the time my Grandparents died, and it would also mark the first Christmas I have ever had away from my family. I was getting stressed, and when I get stressed well... I lash out. Whether I mean to or not. Sometimes (well most of the time...) I end up taking it out on the person whos with me, and that happens to be Jarret 99.99% of the time.
Its definately not fair to him and I know it... He told me before that it has to change, and that I need to see a therapist or Counsellor. I always replied that I didnt want to. Now that I am faced with losing him completely, I am desperately searching for one. Unfortunately... the cheapest one I can find is $75 for a 1 hour session, and for me I hardly think thats enough. My problems run deeper than a 1 hour session can help. If I want to keep the love of my life I have to change. Drastically.
Who knows... I might have already lost him. Right now he doesnt want to be around me and I dont blame him. For all I know he deserves better than what I can give him, but you know... I love him more than i can even describe. I certainly dont have enough room to write it here, and im certain you dont want to read about it.
You know how i said i was afraid in my last blog post? Well I dont think I really explained it. I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid of what will happen to me if I do. I am afraid that I will spiral down so far that I will be far out of touch from the world. I will not guilt him into staying because that just creates resentment. I will not beg either. If he chooses to move on I will not stop him. Why? Because thats what love is. You cannot truly love someone if you are unable to let them go. It will sting, and it will feel like my heart is in pieces, but thats better than putting him through all the agony I cause him.
Its hard for me right now because I have no one here that I am close enough to that can provide a willing enough ear for me to talk to. I have some friends sure... But certain situations call for certain types of companions. Maybe thats part of whats wrong with me... I dont have friends that want to hang out with me more than just once a month, if that... I need to go out and gain some of course, but thats easier said than done. I mean.... where would i go? Im not exactly a socialite lol...
Ok... so... to bring this post to an end I just want to say this... Yogi... If you read this... I AM sorry and I am prepared to do anything you ask of me. Whether thats to go see a cousellor, or to hit the road. Jack. I will do whatever makes you happy. :)
BIO-LUMINESCENCE FOR THE WIN!!
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