hey... so... does anyone have an extra $22 laying around?

So... if you dont like reading about medical conditions or symptoms, or whatever... Don't read any further. I am only looking for suggestions, or opinions about what my condition is.

So... here it goes...

For the past two years I have been having... just awful smelling stuff. And it aches (doesnt burn), and is really concentrated when I visit the Little Girls Room (if you dont know what im hinting at then just message me). I finally went to go see a doctor today and she tested it, saying that there might only be a very slight infection and that I should have a pap smear just to rule out any possible STDs or whathaveyou... As far as I believe i dont have any STDs or STIs but I guess its just to be on the safe side. I'll also be tested for a yeast infection.

And at this moment I have no money to pay for my prescription of antibiotics (she almost gave me Amoxicilan!! Im allergic to that AND Penicillan...). I am covered under where i work but i have to wait and send in a claim to get the money back for the cost of the costly little drug... It sucks. Maybe i'll just get the Drug card and only pay $3 up front to get my drugs right away... That would certainly be better but oh well...

I have a feeling I should have done this LONG ago... at least when i was still with my family back in BC. That way I wouldnt have to pay for my meds... lol thats what I get for moving here...

Anyways... Hope ya'll have a great day.

Peace. Love. Rock & Roll.

Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!!

So... I am definately feeling a lot better. Yogi isn't leaving, I'm attempting to find a counsellor I can afford, and I am planning on going back to school within the year. I vow to get my life started and to really try to put the past in the past.

On another note... I think I have decided on writing a Fantasy novel, not a sci-fi. It seems I have much better ideas for story lines in the F category, and I seem to have more fun with it. This time I won't post any of the novel online in the rare event that my book actually might get published. (Dont want any of you stealing my ideas now ;) lol)

You know... when I get ideas for books, it just comes to me. Sometimes when i'm at work, or when im playing D&D (thats right... Dungeons and Dragons), when i'm dreaming, and even when im eating. Sometimes its just a sentence from the story and I just build on that, and other times its almost like a halfway finished plot line. So I write all those ideas down on whatever scrap of paper i have and i stow it away to look at later. Oh and sometimes i can look at a picture and i can start getting ideas just based on that.

Now... When it actually comes down to writing out the novel I tend to write a couple chapters, then I look at it and I start to think that... well... that its a poorly written piece of work, and that I was foolish to even attempt it. I've been told otherwise by people who have actually read whatever progress I've actually made. Even then... I have never had much faith in my work which, i know, is really bad for any success i might actually be able to get with it. If I dont have faith in my own stuff, then how will that appear to the reader?

Anyways... I'm going to go work on the story a bit more and then eat. Let me know what you think.

Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!!

BIO-LUMINESCENCE FOR THE WIN!!

So I am struggling. With emotions. With everything. It feels like I am drowning and that theres no way for me to reach the surface. The only spot of hope I can see is slipping away and its all my damn fault. No one elses.

This ain't the happy-go-lucky blog some people might prefer to follow and I dont care if you think im some shithead, piss drinking, emo child. If you dont like what I have to write don't bother reading. Its MY way of venting, and everything I write is 100% me.

Anyways... back on topic. So because of my very poor ability to deal with my emotions (sadness, anger, etc...) I may have pushed the one man I love away. Around November is when it started to get really bad. It was getting around the time my Grandparents died, and it would also mark the first Christmas I have ever had away from my family. I was getting stressed, and when I get stressed well... I lash out. Whether I mean to or not. Sometimes (well most of the time...) I end up taking it out on the person whos with me, and that happens to be Jarret 99.99% of the time.

Its definately not fair to him and I know it... He told me before that it has to change, and that I need to see a therapist or Counsellor. I always replied that I didnt want to. Now that I am faced with losing him completely, I am desperately searching for one. Unfortunately... the cheapest one I can find is $75 for a 1 hour session, and for me I hardly think thats enough. My problems run deeper than a 1 hour session can help. If I want to keep the love of my life I have to change. Drastically.

Who knows... I might have already lost him. Right now he doesnt want to be around me and I dont blame him. For all I know he deserves better than what I can give him, but you know... I love him more than i can even describe. I certainly dont have enough room to write it here, and im certain you dont want to read about it.

You know how i said i was afraid in my last blog post? Well I dont think I really explained it. I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid of what will happen to me if I do. I am afraid that I will spiral down so far that I will be far out of touch from the world. I will not guilt him into staying because that just creates resentment. I will not beg either. If he chooses to move on I will not stop him. Why? Because thats what love is. You cannot truly love someone if you are unable to let them go. It will sting, and it will feel like my heart is in pieces, but thats better than putting him through all the agony I cause him.

Its hard for me right now because I have no one here that I am close enough to that can provide a willing enough ear for me to talk to. I have some friends sure... But certain situations call for certain types of companions. Maybe thats part of whats wrong with me... I dont have friends that want to hang out with me more than just once a month, if that... I need to go out and gain some of course, but thats easier said than done. I mean.... where would i go? Im not exactly a socialite lol...

Ok... so... to bring this post to an end I just want to say this... Yogi... If you read this... I AM sorry and I am prepared to do anything you ask of me. Whether thats to go see a cousellor, or to hit the road. Jack. I will do whatever makes you happy. :)

BIO-LUMINESCENCE FOR THE WIN!!

Peace, Love, and Rock and Roll

So the past apparently isn't quite the past yet. I'd like to say that I've managed things well but when I think about it more and more, i've come to realise that's not true. Over the past few months, with all the incidents accumulating, I've become somewhat bitter. Not only bitter, but afraid.

My childhood was at times, flat out horrible and things happened that I will never mention here. Like a lot of people, I was bullied at school. Sometimes it was so bad that I didn't want to go back ever again. Most of the time I felt as if there was no one I could talk to for fear of them telling me it was nothing to worry about, or for fear of them taking the other person's side. My word against theirs right? A few times I tried telling someone but they didnt believe me (they were non-school bully issues.. more likely brotherly issues..). So i've kept most of it inside so I dont think i've learned how to properly deal with my emotions and that leaves me where I am today.

Now I don't know if I am actually depressed or not, since I feel like staying away from doctors about these issues. There are moments where I am lashing out at people that are very dear to me for small little things they may or may not have done. I start to push them away and I can't stop myself from getting angry, or upset. Usually when I get angry I start to feel depressed, because I know when i'm dealing with a situation in a not-so-smart manner but no matter what I do... I cannot stop myself from reacting the way I do.

If you've read my very first posting in this blog you will see another situation that may have led to my current predicament. I have had a friend (aka- Cee) say that i 'flirt with every guy i see' and that I am a freeloader. The only way i would be considered a 'freeloader' is when she INVITED me over and then offered dinner. There was also a time I said that I didnt have money to chip in to get pizza, and one of my friends said dont worry about it. Now I didnt grow up with much money (and i still dont have a lot of money) but my friends are fairly rich. Cee always manages to find a way to flaunt it in people's faces, whether she does it on purpose or not i dont know...

As for the 'flirting with every guy i see' part... well... Like I said in my previous entry 'WHOOOA BUNDY!!' I am a quiet and shy person. Even what might seem like flirting probably isn't just because of my personality. Just because I like talking to a guy doesnt mean im flirting with them. Even she has friends that are guys. Maybe she was jealous or something... I dont want to know.

Anyways... the point of this entry was just to kinda bring to light my issues about dealing with emotional situations, and the things that might have caused them. Maybe someone who reads this could suggest something other than going to a counsellor or psychiatrist... lol

-Peace, love, and rock and roll.

WHOOOOOA BUNDY!!!!

I am sitting alone at home, doing nothing but cruising facebook and thinking of what to have for dinner. Also thinking of what to write next...

Although... yesterday was quite... good, and bad. Let me fill you in.

I've pretty much given up WoW (but have not deleted or sold my account), and I have now picked up good ol' Dungeons and Dragons. Im a level 6 (almost 7) Deva Bard named Imamac. 'Haha' right? Right... Anyways... that means that Imamac is the Healer in the group I play with. Out of the 5 people that play (including the DM-aka Dungeon Master, and me) I am the only girl. Theres not too many girls that play games like that and that makes me smile. Why? Because I think it shows that not all girls are those prissy, stuck up bitches who gave you dirty looks in highschool because you're 'ugly' or are something different from them.

For those who don't know me, I am a fairly quiet and shy person. I dont do well in social situations most of the time, so that makes it hard for people to understand, or hear what I have to say. One night while we were playing DnD there was a new guy in the group (I call him the one night stand because he never came back to play again), and he was going to die, so everyone else (except perhaps the DM) was telling him to use his Second Wind power. I tried suggesting for him to move away from the area he was in, since it appeared that he might become surrounded by enemies, and come towards me so that I could heal him. I also would he heal him more effieciently than he could by himself... One guy just barely looked at me and continued trying to tell him to use Second Wind, and reading his player's handbook.

I tried to suggest it a couple more times but illicited no response but a look or two. While I understand that any new player should learn every kind of power he has, I don't think anybody's opinion should be ignored like that. It felt like there was no point to me being a healer at that moment, and I kept asking myself... "why do I bother?". So i passed along a message to my bf (aka- the DM... lol) and he suggested that I withhold a heal so that they realise that they need me, and that i'm still there.

So anyways... The new guy got surrounded, and the enemies gained combat advantage, and he died again. They wanted me to heal him then but thats when my Heal got withheld. So... lol the group wasnt exactly pleased. However, I did start healing again after that.

And WOW!! lol I got so far from what I wanted to say. I was going to talk about last night... haha. So last night I was told to stop 'METAGAMING' when I said that stepping into a fire would cause oh so much damage. Technically we already knew this but the DM had gotten the original amount of dmg wrong so I was just letting the group know. That CAN be seen as metagaming I guess, but like I said, technically we should have already known about it. Anyways... the one guy that called me a metagamer also said afterwards that he already knew but he didnt want to say anything. And listen to this!! He also started metagaming during the encounters. I dislike Hypocrites. This same guy also started to play other peoples characters a little.

Heres an example... He decided that we were doing a surprise attack. Him and another guy (lets call him Agent M) would move through a fire while me and the player next to me would circle around to another door. Funny thing is... he pretty much told Agent M to go through the fire just because he had fire resistance... Then when the miniatures were set, he decided that he would switch positions with him so that M would go through the fire first. And after they had moved into the room he started putting mine and my partner's characters into the room. I found that quite rude and said "Excuse me?" and placed my character back where it had been. The door was still closed too. So he has irritated me to the point that I don't enjoy him playing in the same group as me. Oh and in the same encounter Agent M and me pretty much got cornered oustide the room where the encounter was. The main boss guy hit me and threw me against the door that happened to lead to the room that has a Big Ogre and a whole bunch of Orcs (that apparently had run away earlier). So Agent M teleported into the room our allies were in and left me hanging with an Ogre at my back, and the boss in front. Haha but the end of the encounter proved to be sweet sweet revenge (in a way).

We had forgotten to loot the last corpse in the dungeon, and we were smacking our heads. I said soon after that I was going back to get it. Mr. Metagaming Hypocrite, was like "You'll get a random encounter if you do that. You'll die. Etc...". That was not to be. The DM rolled his D20 (he got a 1-So it took me 1 hour to get back to that room) then he realised that in the encounter book he had, it said that after we defeat the Last Boss and exit the dungeon, any enemy remaining would flee out a back way. So I didnt get a random encounter and I received a +2 Flaming Hammer (or something). But it was worth 5000gp, and I sold it in town and kept the profit since the DM said that it was mine alone. I know that sounds selfish and greedy, but I was a little miffed... haha who knows? I might share it once i've had more time to think.

Well... I think this entry has been sufficient enough so that it makes up for all the times I havent posted anything. WHOOOOOOOOOA BUNDY!!!

Majesta 9- Prologue

"All pilots report to assigned hangars! All pilots report to assigned hangars! This is not a drill." a deep male voice boomed over the Space Station's PA system, while a loud siren, almost like one the people of Old Earth would use to warn of Air Raids, sounded throughout every room and hallway.

Suddenly men and women were rushing every which way. Some were making their way up to the port side hangar, the other up to the starboard side. People who had been eating dropped their forks, and people who had recently been in deep discussion were soon joining the throng of pilots heading to their craft.

It had been a relatively quiet few days, with no threat to take care of, or any escorts to be made. Space had been, for the most part, safe. Whatever was happening was definately no joke. Several ideas of what might be going on, was running through everyone's minds as the siren continued to sound. In more than a few of the residents of the Space Station, the idea that the Rimworlders had finally reached their quadrant, was at the forefront of their thoughts. They didn't know how right they were...

Off to the side of the crowds, a father was kneeling down in front of his son, his big hands on the boy's shoulder. Most people that met them would say that the boy looked like a duplicate of the man, with dark hair, strong cheekbones, and a sturdy nose. Those same people would also say that the boy got his eyes from his mother. Smokey grey and almond shaped.

At that particular moment the boy looked mutinous and was frowning.

"Radnar... I have to go fight." the father gazed at him.

The boy shook his head, "I have a bad feeling about today dad... What if you don't come back?"

"I always come back don't I?" he smiled in response.

Radnar crossed his arms. "Today is different. I know it's the Rimworlders... They killed mother...."

A look of sadness appeared on the face of the father, but was quickly covered up by a forced smile that looked more like a grimace. His wife had been an ambassador for the Majesta 9 Space Station for several years, constantly going back and forth between all 9 quadrants of the Novus Vita Galaxy.


****(TO BE FINISHED LATER)****

So... About that...

This is my first blog attempt. I have no idea if i'll actually stick with it and write more than just this one entry, since all my other attempts ended with me procrastinating.

My name is Cindy, 20 years old, and originally from British Columbia. In June I actually moved to live with my boyfriend (who i will be calling Yogi Bear in this blog) in Manitoba and so far its been good for the most part at least. I know... I know... You're probably thinking "What the hell is wrong with her? What if it doesn't work out?". Well I know it seems like a crazy insane thing some crazy insane person would do but... if you don't understand love, then you won't ever understand why I made the huge move. A move that took me away from family and friends.

Now... things haven't been quite so perfect as I would have hoped (but since when does it ever do that?). We have gotten upset at each other, even though its mostly me that gets upset at him. One reason is that... back when we first started dating I saw a RP convo he had on msn. An inappropriate one (not quite sex so get your mind out of the gutter)... I got so upset that I cried and thought of leaving.

SO... He promised he would never RP again like that. Now fast foward to present time (or rather a few days ago).... I had gotten upset or Yogi had gotten upset, and we were telling each other things, and then he revealed that he had RP'd again. A sexual orientated one from the impression I had... and this was months after he had PROMISED me that he wouldn't. Needless to say I was hurt, and I was considering trying to get a plane ticket back to BC and never come back. It stung. If someone makes a promise you should keep it, especially if theyre the one you love right?

But I didnt leave. I chose to stay and we talked. Eventually I calmed down and as you can tell i'm still with Yogi. There have been so many times, more times than there should have been, where I wanted to break up with him. I was visiting him in march sometime, and something else happened where I was even more hurt than him doing some stupid RP or whatever... I still stayed with him. I'll explain why in the end...

There were times, when I was still in BC and Yogi was in Manitoba, when he said he would talk to me or play a game online with me, but then he would decide last minute to Raid on WoW. Anyways... I've started to resent WoW since then.

Then theres IMVU.... I'm sure he has people that he talks to on there on a friends list, and i keep feeling like he has a second account though he keeps trying to assure me that its not true. I dont know what to believe. And its slightly more complicated than what i've just written but im starting to get too lazy to type... But think RP. I'm finding it hard to fully trust him. I never know if hes hiding something from me but I'm trying to get past it anyways. The past is the past right?

Now... I dont want you to think of Jarret as a bad guy. Hes incredibly sweet, and he listens to me when I need to talk to someone. He loves me for me, and doesn't care about my scars and imperfections and I love him to death. I stayed with him because Love is easy to come by, but True Love is a lot harder to find. In Yogi I think I have found True Love.

Yeah... I don't care if you call me "stupid" or "cheesy" or just plain laugh at me. I love Yogi and thats all that really matters. If you care about each other enough you can learn to get past anything, even if you unintentionally hurt the other.

I love you Yogi Bear. <3